Tim Hortons vs Insomnia

Posted: August 9, 2008 in Uncategorized
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Now, for those of you who might know me, I like coffee. Alot. Living in Ireland in the present day, it has become as commonplace as pyjamas in a Ringsend newsagent to see a Spar on every corner of every suburb/main street of this godless island.
Spar have an uncanny knack of not just inflating the prices but of doing so at a rate that would make you wonder if Mugabe has somehow managed to transpose his country’s particular brand of inflation by some kind of osmosis (I saw a jar of instant coffee for 8euros in the Rathmines Spar earlier this year).
But we all know how expensive Spar is and everyone needs to buy toilet roll at unusual times of the night…which they only ever seem to have in packets of four for 6 euro or else you can buy the Spar ‘own brand’ of two rolls in a packet – which is like wiping your arse with the party hat from a cheap Christmas cracker.
Sidetracked again.
Anyway, Spar in the UK struck a deal to have Tim Hortons coffee and doughnuts available in some of their outlets earlier this year and this has now spread to Ireland.
Here is the problem.
Tim Hortons coffee is fucking disgusting.
Previously, many Spars provided Insomnia coffee, which is quite nice from actual Insomnia branches and not bad from the little machines they had in the Spars. These seem to have been removed and replaced with Tim Hortons shit-vending units (named as such because they vend shit, but if not properly maintained they probably become shit too).
When you press the little button on the Tim Hortons machine, there is a fart of steamed water and then a shit-brown syrup concoction blurps into the cup mixing with the water. It doesn’t look like coffee, smell like coffee or taste like coffee.
And in the morning, I really want a decent cup of coffee.
So if you are reading this Tim Horton; fuck off back to Canada and take your freeze-dried doughnuts with you.
I know this post is a real ‘I’m so middle-class my Guardian is about to burst into flames with my frustration’ thing but just give me a real cup of coffee in the morning. Please.

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Comments
  1. backpedalbrakes says:

    A Canadian friend visited me from NL last year and damn near lost his shit when he saw the Timmy Ho’s sign in our local Spar. He promptly went in and bought a coffee and proclaimed it to be total gick and completely unlike the stuff he was used to from home.

    Who knows where Spar are sourcing the stuff from.

  2. adam says:

    Now I’m no scientist but I will hazard a guess that they are sourcing it from their asses

  3. Anonymous says:

    James D here from off Jim Carroll’s blog…

    I gotta go with pedal. Unfortunately the only crime that Tims are guilty of is allowing their name to be put on the muck they sell her on their behalf. The donuts and the coffee are incredible on home turf but here it is more home turd.

    Cusine de France (who do the donuts) actually changed all the key flavours of donuts ‘for the irish palette’. Why the irish palette exactly wants chocolate shit iced chocolate donuts with quadruple choc inside with sprinkles on top, I do not know…

  4. Adam says:

    Nice intro James D – it’s pretty funny when ya can be identified from another blog.
    Is that postmodern or postpostmodern.
    Anyhoo, at least someone somewhere is getting a decent cup of Tim Hortons coffee and a real donut with it.
    Why must we Irish be treated like the three-legged cur, being fed crap while other breeds get to faff about with beautifully-blended-beanage coffee??

  5. Gardenhead says:

    HAHAHA I lived in Canada too. They sure fucking love their Tim Horton’s coffee ver there. What does it taste like? I haven’t a fucking clue. I hate coffee and tea. But I can tell you one thing their donuts are waaaayyy different over there. They are so good. Here, they are beyond rank.

  6. adam says:

    I have a regrettable penchant for the Boston Creams they have here though but they neither taste of Boston nor cream.
    Maybe they should call them Spar Slops over here instead..

  7. gandalfeeneydawhiterthanwhite says:

    Spar coffee? Frankly you deserved it!

  8. adam says:

    Tallaght’s barista choices are limited

  9. Conrad says:

    I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Joannah

    http://keyboardpiano.net

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